Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Sorry, Tomorrow Me

I should be sleeping right now. I'm exhausted. But I feel too...I don't know. Full?

I get this feeling sometimes. I guess it's my "spirituality" or something. It's the feeling that everything is important, so much is good, so much could be good. And everything gets jumbled up inside me, quiet, meditative. No one thought stands out; instead, everything melts together and I find myself concentrating on everything and nothing.

I'll probably look at this tomorrow and think, "What in the world was I talking about?" It won't make sense to me tomorrow. But Today Me is rarely concerned with Tomorrow Me. If I were, I'd have gone to bed an hour ago. And I probably wouldn't have eaten those cookies.

I miss people. I miss friends I was close to. I miss friends I wasn't as close to almost as much. There's an aching in my heart for them; I love them deeply, I think about them, but for whatever reason they never knew it and never will. It's probably better that way. I guess. I don't know; that's just what you say, right? Probably better that way, because I can't stand the thought that it's worse that way, because I can't change it without changing too many other things.

I miss church. Not "the Church," but church. I miss getting dressed up with somewhere to go with my little family once a week. I miss seeing my boys in their cute sunday outfits. I miss being fed, however rare of an occurrence that was. I miss seeing people, neighbors, the little old ladies who for some reason were crazy about me. I miss believing in something and having "solid" evidence (talks and scriptures and stuff) for why I believed it. I believe a lot of things, wonderful things, but I have to be my own prophet now, and honestly, it's a little scary. And lonely.

On the other hand, there are things happening. Amazing people are finding their way into my life. Amazing things are entering my mind and my heart. It's lonely out here sometimes, but it's not a cold, loveless place. There are so many ideas, old and new, sublime and ridiculous, that are reaching their arms around me. Ideas might not be the right word. Doctrines, thoughts, theories, concepts? Mercies, maybe. Regardless, I'm being filled with love and compassion from places I never thought to look. And those two things, love and compassion, are the most important, miraculously simple things in the world. They're all that really matter.

I need to go to bed now, to sleep and let the drudgeries of life build back up in my heart so that I won't impulsively blog nonsense, at least for a little while.


  1. It sounds like your internal compass is definitely working. I love your writing, it moves so well and strikes so many chords.

  2. You're a fantastic human being. Wish more music was being made.